Paul Blart ‘Mall Cop’
LADIES & GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO WACKY WAYNE’S MOVIE REVIEWS! featuring the Mad Critic
Ratings Scale: 1=find a new career, 2=not too shabby, 3=chic flic, and 4=pretty damn special
Mall Cop: (Starring Kevin James as Paul Blart) Reviewed by Wayne “Mad Critic” Hodges – Ever had a career in law enforcement? Are you currently a security guard of a local mall? Do you lack charm, confidence, or sex appeal? If so, you’d probably be the only person to enjoy Steve Carr’s box office tease “Mall Flop.” Oops, I mean “Mall Cop.” This film, to be frank, is awful. First, I’ll start with the plot. Paul Blart (Kevin James) is a mild-mannered, obese father who earns a living as a clumsy security guard in a New Jersey mall. I mentioned “obese” because the cast spends the better parts of two hours cracking ‘fat’ jokes.
Here’s what I don’t get. Recently, CNN reported over 70 percent of Americans are overweight. Yet, the ‘powers that be’ of the film industry think it’s cool to make fun of what has become a very sensitive topic. Industry clowns, like Eddie Murphy, have made millions of dollars spewing obesity jokes in such films as “The Nutty Professor” and “Norbit.” And now Kevin James has joined the ‘bad joke’ party. It’s classless. It’s redundant. And it’s just not very funny. This explains why nobody inside the theater offered as much as a chuckle at Paul Blart’s poor attempt at humor. Seriously, you could hear crickets chirping pretty much the entire film. And get this: the auditorium was packed! Oh well, back to the review.
For years, Paul entertained dreams of becoming a real cop, but he always flunked the physical portion of the exam because of clumsiness and excess weight. Actually, I’m not sure his waistline had anything to do with his shortcomings. The guy’s just a plain goof. Seriously, at one point during the film; Blart threatens to issue a traffic citation to a senior citizen for speeding in his mobile cart inside the mall. “Driving kinda reckless there buddy. Can I see your ID?” said Blart. I guess this scene was supposed to be funny. But, once again, nobody laughed.
See, I’m confused as to why Adam Sandler would produce something this corny. And I’m even more puzzled at Kevin James. How, after years of success on the sitcom “The King of Queens,” could he act so poorly? Heck, I’ve seen better comedy on “Cartoon Network.” And it gets worse. During a lingerie spat between two female shoppers, Blart inexplicably insults one of the women by calling her fat. The heavy-set damsel, offended at Blart’s shrewd remarks, responds by kicking his butt up and down the mall. Not surprisingly, this just happens to be the most entertaining part of the film.
Then comes the low point. Blart, who hasn’t touched a woman since Bill Clinton was in office, stalks an attractive, young merchant who sells hair weave products. After bumbling through his words, Blart offers this classic pick-up line: “Do you have any hair to sell me? I’m growing a little thin on the top.” I guess this line was supposed to be funny. But the auditorium remained silent. And the dingy chic, for whatever reason, ends up falling in love with him. The story never tells us why. Did she develop feelings for him because he’s a nice guy? Or out of sympathy because he’s obese? I guess we’ll never know.
Finally, the mall is hijacked by a group of trained killers looking to steal credit card numbers. And Blart, despite being slower than dial-up internet service, somehow manages to elude and take down the entire crew; without the benefit of a gun. While Blart stayed inside to perform his ‘Rambo’ routine, the cops sat outside in the parking lot and watched. And Blart’s daughter (out of the blue) manages to slip past two-dozen police cars, enters the mall, and gets captured by the bad guys. Why did she show up? The story never tells us why. I guess we’ll never know. This movie stinks. Ooh, it stinks. And when I say stink we’re talking Al Bundy’s wet socks, Mike Tyson’s morning breath, Pepe Le Pew type funk. I’m warning you. View “Mall Flop” at your own risk. Score: 1
Wayne Hodges, an MBA from St. Mary University, is the editor of “Mass Appeal News.” He is also an adjunct professor, MPA at Kansas University, and legislative intern with the Kansas Senate. Wayne welcomes your comments at whodges@massappealnews.com
To witness the preview of a horrible movie, click the play arrow.
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