70% of Black Women are Single?
THE REAL REASONS 70% OF BLACK WOMEN ARE SINGLE, by J.J. Smith
WASHINGTON, D.C. – We’ve all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70% of black women are single, and 42% are unmarried. We’ve even recently heard a young black women (Helena Andrews) say that she is successful, black and lonely and that “Bitch is the New Black”. Helena’s story is probably the most heartfelt as I can relate to her, when I was in my 20s that is… but now at 40, I can say that there are many things that I have learned about Black men and 2 that stand out the most are that:
1) “Being a bitch” was never going to get me the love I desired from black men. (Note: Being a bitch as in being mean, argumentative, hard to get along with, bitter, etc.)
2) Our “credentials” don’t attract men! Just because WE feel that we are successful, independent, professional and educated doesn’t mean that’s we’re attractive to men, or even datable for that matter. I have learned that it is our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, non-bitchy attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more.
Even though many news organizations have provided the statistics I mentioned above, I’ve rarely seen these media outlets offer any real solutions. In fact, I’ve yet to hear anyone really explain the REAL reasons so many black women are single, as its much more complicated than the “numbers.” I personally don’t believe in allowing the media to exploit this issue and give an appearance that Black people have issues and challenges that we cannot solve on our own. As a single, successful black women, I refuse to allow the media to make me feel bad or desperate about the plight of the “single black female,” especially given the personal and professional success sistas have made in a male-dominated world.
So, Black men and women, WE can facilitate our own discussion on this challenge and identify real solutions that work for us. I’ll begin by offering a 2-part article to address this challenge. In Part 1, I will discuss the real reasons why so many Black women are single… because you know the media isn’t telling the whole story and in Part 2: I will offer 10 practical solutions for women who are looking to find a “good man.” Please feel free to share other suggestions!
The Real Reasons So Many Black Women are Single:
*Note: Some of the reasons could apply to women that are not black, but the focus of this article is on Black women because that’s all we keep hearing about in the media these days.There are many factors that have lead to why so many Black women are single, but I believe the most significant factors are listed below:
1. The Black Man Shortage (as I read on Essence.com):42% of Black women are unmarried. 70% of professional Black women are single. The numbers don’t lie and there is a real gap between “datable” Black women and men. Even if there is some degree of inaccuracy in the numbers, if you just talk to Black women, many will agree that there are some challenges finding a “good black man, ” that is… one that is not behind bars, gay, or with other races. I’m also fully aware of this challenge due to the number of Black women who write me about it every week. So, the statistics do play a role in this challenge, but it does not tell the whole story. Please read on!
2. Too Many Black Women Have Bought Into the Stereotypes On Who They Are: The perception that Black women are hard to get along with, mean, bitchy, argumentative, bitter, etc. has become a reality for too many black women. I know, because I used to be that way (and still have relapses on occasion but irrational behavior and constantly “going off” on people, especially your man, is not an attractive quality to have when trying to maintain a relationship with a man. I had to LEARN that just because I was running things at work, didn’t mean I was going to run things with my man. So, I had to “check my attitude” at the door when dealing with my black man. Maybe a man really needs to be the head of the household, and if you don’t trust that he can be, then leave him alone and move on. A wise man once told me that anything with two heads is a monster, so only 1 can be head of the household, and for me, I prefer it to be my man. Sistas, we know we have carried too much of the financial and emotional burden of raising our families alone, but we should use that to draw strength from and not allow that to make us emotionally weaker. I remember being in my 20s at a management consulting firm I worked for and this brother told me that I would definitely make Partner but no one would ever like me because I was so damn mean, and I actually was naïve enough to take that as a compliment; not realizing that my “meanness and bitchiness” had spilled over into my personal life and keeping me from attracting and keeping good men in my life.
3. Many Black Women Have Made a Conscious Decision To Be Single: I know you’re saying yea right. But this is actually true. I know personally for me, I have been married before, but I prefer to be single, especially since I don’t want to have children. Personally, I am not looking to get married again, but I’m not opposed to the idea either. If I meet someone who makes me feel that being married to them is better than my freedom and the luxuries of my single life, then I would consider getting married again. The most important thing to me is to have quality, meaningful relationships with men with similar dreams, goals and interests in life. People fall in love and marry because it’s the tradition. Men and women have been getting married since before recorded history. Until recently, America was the most “married” nation in the world. But now many ask, “Do I have to be married to live happily ever after?” In today’s society, people have a strong desire to simply be happy, whether that means being married or unmarried. Being single is not synonymous with being “alone”. Many single people do have a meaningful love relationship in their life. Society makes people think that end goal of two people who love each other is a “traditional monogamous marriage” but I don’t believe everyone fits that model. Whoever said dating has to end in marriage? If marriages were so great, why do more than half of them end in divorce? So, there are really some women who are happy being single… Seriously!
4. Black Men Don’t See Many of the Qualities That They So Much Admire in Their Mothers and Grandmothers: To say it’s just a shortage of black men is only a small part of the problem, but as Black women we have to re-evaluate who we are and who we’ve become today. Black men don’t see the strong, quiet strength of their mothers and grandmothers; neither the homemaking/cooking skills either. In my book Why I Love Men, I have a section called “Never Underestimate the Relationship Between a Man and His Mother” that discusses this further. A wise woman understands the precious bond between a man and his mother. You’re not going to change it nor would you want to. A mother is very proud of her son, especially if he’s a good man. His mother values him. His mom and grandmother has loved him unconditionally all his life, and well, you, not so long. If you want a smooth relationship with a Black man, be sure you understand WHY he loves his mom so much and it will help you build a stronger relationship with him. And, if you don’t know why he admires and loves his mom so much, ask him. In fact, a huge red flag for me is when a guy doesn’t have any relationship with his mother, and she is still living. Or if he speaks to his mother in a disrespectful or harsh manner, he will likely treat you the same way.
5. Black Women Have Spent Their Best Years Pursuing Their Education and Career Goals not Realizing that Their Strongest Assets (e.g., Looks, Fertility) Decrease With Age: I know this may be unpopular, but it is the truth. A woman who wants to have a family should capitalize on her looks, age, and fertility while she is young instead of only focusing on chasing the high-powered career. I believe (and of course I could be wrong) that a man would more likely be with a young, fine woman that is less educated and makes him feel good (in terms of stroking his ego) then an average looking woman with a great career and education.) If marriage and having children is important to you, you may want to NOT focus as much time on pursuing your career goals, but spend more time pursuing and developing meaningful love relationships while you’re young, perky and fertile. If you want a husband and family, you have to pursue it with the same focus and attention you did to achieve your career goals, and by all means, don’t let you looks, fashion sense, and overall attractiveness go downhill. Note: In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I share insider secrets, practical advice and techniques that any woman can use to maximize her physical beauty without cosmetic surgery, because as shallow as it may sound, how physically attractive you are is very important to men, and should also be to you if you are seriously looking to attract and keep a man.
6. Black Men Struggle More Than Any Other Group of People in Society and in the Workplace: You have to ask why are there so many black men in prison and under-educated? Why is the unemployment rate so high for black males? Why is the suicide rate so high for black males? Why are so many black men absent in their child’s life? Why are black males struggling more than other group of people? We have to better understand the struggles of Black men to really increase the number of “datable” black men…and I’m no expert on the answers to these questions and I know when I’m out of my lane, but there are others who have studied Black males and written on this topic and could surely provide some answers to these questions.
7. Black Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today: Many of the traditional rules of courtship don’t exist, for better or for worse, Black women have to do things differently to attract and maintain a long-term relationship with a man. And, if you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go. There are some women who are obviously better at it than others. In Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I’ve consolidated the best strategies that I have learned from friends, relatives and my own experiences and frankly some of the best practical advice that I have ever received and successfully applied to attract the type of men I wanted in my life and they did show up. These strategies have worked for others and they can work for you. You can’t continue doing the same thing and expect different results. It is time to change your approach to dating!
So, those are my thoughts, I’d love to hear why you think so many Black women are single and please be sure to read Part 2: 10 Things Single Black Women Should Do to Find a “Good Man.”Also, check out “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” see www.jjsmithonline.com, as we will dedicate our radio shows the entire month of January (1/13 and 1/27) we to discuss this topic so that Black men and women can have real dialogue and discuss real solutions. You can check out the show nationally, so please join in the discussion!
J.J. Smith is a Dating Diva who offers a fresh perspective on dating and relationships that will help you create a wonderful life that attracts the best men for you and get the love you really want! To learn more about her highly anticipated book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, as well as other eBooks and free articles, visit www.jjsmithonline.com
January 7th, 2010 at 7:05 am
JJ, you make some outstanding points. As women, we must be careful not to put down our black men as soon as we experience a drop of success. After all men are men and their egos are sensitive. I also agree with what you said about black men struggling to adapt to mainstream society. With such a high number of black men going to prison, it is hard for our people to move up in economics and business. This is why so many black women go to college. To not only better ourselves, but to better the race in general. JJ this is an excellent article. I look forward to reading your other stories.
January 7th, 2010 at 7:33 am
Excellent! I would also add that too many black mothers spoil and suffocate their sons to the point they are not prepared to become the “Head of Household” when the opportunity presents itself. Too many black men have grown dependent on black women for daily needs, i.e. food, shelter, and clothing. I am old school. I believe men should be bread-winners and providers. I would be ashamed to live on a woman without making any reasonable contributions to the home. Too many men today lack effort and pride but they want the women to treat them like “Kings.” As black people, we must ‘raise the bar’ and start expecting better so we can achieve it.
January 7th, 2010 at 8:19 am
in the end it all comes down to what Aretha Franklin says “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.” Both men and women must learn to love and respect each other with the purpose God intended.
January 7th, 2010 at 9:49 am
I am to the point I dont think there are any more good men in the world no matter what color they are. I have dated outside my race before and been hurt enough times to believe this is true. I have been single for a year but I refuse to get involved in the dating scene. There’s nothin out there for me.
January 7th, 2010 at 10:46 am
I agree with Ebony Princess. it is hard finding a GOOD MAN of any color. I used to date white men now I date exclusively black men because that’s my preference. I am not saying I understand what black women are going through, but all women are having a hard time finding a good man to love.
January 7th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
on the real…women need to start cuttin us brothas some slack. it’s hard out here for a pimp. im tryin to make a dolla outta fifteen cents. start showin da brotha man some love then we can leave dem white girls alone. LOL
January 8th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
This is an outstanding article! I love how you put it out there without holding anything back. You touched on everything from a man’s relationship with his mother to our bitchy mood swings. I am single, but its by choice because I haven’t found the right guy. I refuse to settle, so I am taking my time until I meet Mr. Right.
January 9th, 2010 at 2:09 am
i want all the black honies out there to know that i am able and willing to date all 70% of you. There is plenty of KC FREAK to go around. Please take a number and wait cha turn.
January 9th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Wow! I can’t believe 70% of black women in America are single? I knew the number was a little high, but I had no idea the epidemic has escalated to a mind-boggling 7 out of 10. We discussed this topic on the radio several weeks ago. Obviously, the reasons for relationship futility are aplenty. Most involve money, sex, alcohol and drugs. But J.J., this article is no doubt a masterpiece. I love how you outlined the general disillusionment and colossal meltdown of the U.S. dating scene. I posted this commentary to our news blog because I thought it would generate excellent discussion. And boy, did it. While reading, two interesting points stood out.
From Smith, quote:
1) “Being a bitch” was never going to get me the love I desired from black men. (Note: Being a bitch as in being mean, argumentative, hard to get along with, bitter, etc.)
2) Our “credentials” don’t attract men! Just because WE feel that we are successful, independent, professional and educated doesn’t mean that’s we’re attractive to men, or even datable for that matter. I have learned that it is our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, non-bitchy attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more.
AMEN! Both points are dead on. As men, we don’t classify potential life-long partners with derogatory, female degrading terms. We also don’t put a lot of stock, if any, into our mate’s credentials and educational achievements. Most guys, to be frank, could really care less. I understand this is very difficult for some women to fathom. But it’s definitely true. As a matter of fact, a woman’s credentials could even hurt her on some occasions. Why? Men are very visual. We’re not scenic, but visual. In other words, physical beauty, a gorgeous smile, a mild temper and “Bonnie & Clyde” loyalty are qualities most important to any good man. Remember, I said “good man.” Women, on the other hand, are generally guided by such intangible forces as fate and serendipity. See the difference?
In the heat of battle, it’s certainly not uncommon to hear women spew out their lofty goals and accomplishments with hopes of belittling their partner. Speaking from experience, through the years I’ve heard everything from “I got my own house, car, and money so I don’t need you” to “A man can’t do nothing for me; I pay my own bills.” Once the dialogue boiled to this point, I simply grabbed my car keys, started the ignition and headed south down I-635 to Hodges Towers (a.k.a. my crib). Seriously ladies, you must understand we’re not overly impressed by what you have. We’re enticed more so by your physical and emotional characteristics. Keep in mind; guys buy nice cars, apartments and furniture simply to satisfy the female appetite. Heck, if it were up to us, we’d reside inside a nice, climate-controlled cardboard box, furnished with a flat screen TV for sports, just to sever monthly household expenses.
Besides, most men want to believe they’re the ‘Head of Household’ if and when marriage takes place. A woman’s verbal resume is usually viewed as being selfish, condescending and counterproductive to this cause. Now, here’s what I find interesting. Word on the street is white, asian and latina women are more submissive than their black counterparts. I say “Hogwash!” Hell, recent deaths of black millionaires Steve McNair and Chris Henry were both at the hands of female lovers who are not black. You can also throw the alleged physical assault by Tiger Woods’ wife into this category. Black women have gotten a bad rap for years. Now would be a good time to turn the tide.
January 10th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
this is a very insightful article full of excellent points. i look forward to reading more of your articles in the future.
January 12th, 2010 at 1:01 am
the reason so many black women are single iz because they not hip 2 da game…we want our women to do what we say when we say it…black women got dem attitudes like they too good 2 bow down to a playa…this iz a man’s world and my women know it. black women need 2 chill wit da drama and maybe they will get somebody
January 12th, 2010 at 3:07 am
JJ, you make some great points. i also choose to be single because i enjoy my freedom. i am only 25 and i dont have any kids. I want to have fun now and think about a serious relationship later.
January 19th, 2010 at 8:26 am
70% of black honies are single??? where can i find em???
January 21st, 2010 at 5:30 pm
JJ why iz a woman az fine az you still single??? baby u are far 2 good lookin to be chillin alone. if you wuz my girl i would give up my black book in a NEW YORK MINUTE. Skip wutcha heard
January 22nd, 2010 at 8:11 pm
i think all men are dogs no matter the color of his skin
thats why i am single and happy. Very good article though!
February 5th, 2010 at 11:51 am
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February 15th, 2010 at 2:23 am
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April 9th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
I think most are single because of a lack of attractiveness.
1. They don’t know how to work with their features
2. They don’t take care of themselves
3. They aren’t refined
4. They don’t expose themselves to other groups
5. They are HIGHLY discriminated against by other races because of their race/gender combination.
6. Bad media
7. They have very low social status
All of this is why they remain single and will until they begin to rear highly successful and respectable societies.
August 31st, 2011 at 4:07 am
Loophole In Female Psychology Review…
70% of Black Women are Single? | Mass Appeal News…