HOW WE COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER DETERMINES OUR LOVE FATE. By Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY – Are you communicating? Men and women communicate differently. This is not new news. So why is it that so many men and women are still communicating with each other like we are all the same? Think about how in the movie, “White Men Can’t Jump,” Rosie Perez’s character and Woody Harrelson’s character were laying in bed and she told him that she was thirsty.

So he proceeds to get her a glass of water. Which to any logical human being, this seems like the right thing to do. Right? Wrong.  From a female perspective, she wanted him to empathize with her and understand her problem, not try to solve it for her. She described a man’s need to always solve a woman’s problem instead of truly understanding it as a form of control.

Though this example is extreme, this is the conflicted dance men and women do on a regular basis.

We’ve all heard the saying; opposites attract, but is this true when it comes to communication styles? Speaking in generalities, men are less communicative than women to begin with, so if you get a man that shuts down when the woman in his life wants to discuss feelings or anything emotional, how can that work?

She has a need to communicate her feelings and understand his, yet he doesn’t have anything to give her when she asks what he thinks or feels.

According to research conducted by UCLA, communication is only 7% what you are actually saying and 93% how you say it and nonverbal communication like your expression. So what does this mean for the couple that struggles with their communication?

Talk less!

That’s right. Talk less. Stop talking so much and try touching, feeling and listening.

Where are the best places to go in Kansas City if you and your mate have made communicating better one of your New Year’s resolutions?

18th and Vine to listen to live music should be at the top of your list of to do’s. The atmosphere varies, so if you’d like a romantic candlelit evening, the Blue Room is phenomenal. The Blue Room has open mic night on Mondays, so if you are musically inclined, or just like hearing a variety of sounds, this is the best choice.

If you want something more laid back with the best wings and catfish, then Danny’s is probably more your style. Having dates where talking is not the primary goal, can actually help you communicate better.

Good luck KC!

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. 

EVERYONE SAYS THEY WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH, BUT CAN YOU HANDLE IT? By Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY, Kan – Honesty is the guest that everyone wants at the party, but no one wants to hear what he has to say. We claim to want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. But are we lying to ourselves? Do you really want your soon to be ex-boyfriend to tell you, “I don’t want to be with you because I found someone I care about more than you?”

Seriously, think about all the times you’ve said you just wish people would stop playing games. But do we force ourselves to be played with when we refuse to take the clues that are the hints to the truth?

What would a world with no game playing really look like?

“If it is not right, do not do it. If it is not true, do not say it.” Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor said this, but oh how easier said than done. Will there ever be a world where game playing is no longer a part of dating?

Let’s be clear.

We’ve all lied for one reason or another. And there is no doubt, that we’ve all lied in order to get out of a relationship or two with the least amount of emotional damage possible. But we also lie about other things like how great sex is with our significant other, or when our friends that we’ve not seen in a while ask us if we are happily married and we say yes, when really we are hiding some secret that we do not wish to share.

Fastly approaches a ten year reunion. It is hard to believe so many years have passed since the time of innocent, ignorant love. This event has forced me into a state of reflection and I propose that we all get a little more honest with ourselves and each other. But with this proposal comes some major responsibility.

We can not get angry at the truth.

We can be hurt. We can be confused. We can disagree at best. But we must never be angry, because at the end of the day, honesty will save us a lot of time.

“If you love life, don’t wast time. For time is what life is made up of.” – Bruce Lee

Let’s stop wasting each other’s lives and start, not only inviting honesty to the party, but listening to what he has to say.

For more advice like this, make sure you join me on June 21, 2011 from 7-9pm for Rule the Dating Game. You may register online for this class by going to CarrDanePublishing.com.

If you enjoy reading about relationships, sex and dating, make sure you get my book, Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic. You may purchase this book online by going to CarrDanePublishing.com or Amazon.com. It is also available on Kindle.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here. Or, to purchase Dana’s book “Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic,” visit carrdanepublishing.com.

THE POST HOLIDAY SEASON IS CAUSE FOR A MAJOR CELEBRATION. By Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY, Kan – The holidays are over. And now it’s time to celebrate. So much time and energy is spent on giving gifts, getting ready for parties, pretending to be happy when you really aren’t during the holidays that when it is finally over, you can breathe.

There are so many reasons to celebrate the conclusion of the official holiday season. Kansas City has had blizzard after blizzard after ice storm that the thought of warmer weather makes you want to dance in the street; with boots on of course as there is still snow outside.

How will you spend your post holiday season?

There are several things you can do to relieve some of the stress the holidays might have placed on your relationship.

1.  Reinvent what it means to be sexy.

The holidays might not have left a lot of time to focus on being hot and sexy but there is no time like the present to give your spouse a present all wrapped up in sexiness. The first thing you must do to accomplish this is to pay attention to what turns your partner on.

Is it sexy underwear?

Is it no underwear?

Does he like it when you put on a sexy pair of shorts and his favorite team’s t-shirt and want to help him enjoy the big game knowing you have a surprise for him after his team is done playing? Or does she like it when you wake her up on a Saturday morning with a day of wine tasting and long walks with little surprises planned?

2.  Reinvent the best version of yourself.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is figure out what being the best version of yourself really looks, feels and acts like. This step will take a lot of time to really figure out and accomplish but this is the season to get started.

Start with questions.

What does the best version of you look like? What career do they have? What kind of education do they have or are they pursuing?

It is the season of reinvention. Let’s get started KC.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here. Or, to purchase Dana’s book “Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic,” visit carrdanepublishing.com.

VALENTINE’S DAY SHOULD BE A CELEBRATION OF FRIENDSHIP, by Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY – Love is a tricky thing. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it and sometimes it doesn’t show up when you want it most. So why would anyone waste their time on such an unreliable emotion? Love can bring you happiness unlike anything else on Earth.

But at the same time it can bring you pain. With a holiday like Valentine’s Day lurking just around the corner some ask themselves why are they single. Some are rejoicing at not having to buy over priced flowers and heart shaped chocolates.

But there are those who are in relationships that look forward to having the opportunity to celebrate their love. Why is it then that Valentine’s Day brings about such a visceral reaction in some people? The pressure of the holiday is enforced by all of the pink and red paraphernalia in every store.

You can’t buy a carton of eggs without passing the ever too familiar images of hearts and half naked cupids with arrows. You can’t help but wonder did cupid forget about you again this year?

It’s as if instead of putting the spot light on those that are in love it shines brighter on those that aren’t. But the pressures of the holiday can be minimal if you don’t allow yourself to feel bad about your lack of a meaningful relationship. Instead of looking at the holiday as a means of reminding you of your lack of love, celebrate with friends.

The relationship with your friends is just as important as a romantic relationship so why not celebrate it? Get a group of single friends together and decide to exchange small gifts.

You could set it up like a Secret Santa or Secret Cupid and pull names to decide who buys for whom. Knowing you have someone to purchase something for and the thought of receiving a special gift on Valentine’s Day will put a positive spin on the holiday that formally brought about a flurry of negative emotions.

Zona Rosa or The Legends has several stores and eating places that you could purchase gifts or gift cards. The Power and Light District offers several night life options to have your gift exchange.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here. Or, to purchase Dana’s book “Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic,” visit carrdanepublishing.com.

Dana Carroll, Sex & Relationships

KEY TO GOOD LOVE: FALL FOR YOUR TYPE. By Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY, Kan – Jamie Foxx’s song, Fall for Your Type, poses a great question. He asks, “Tell me why I always fall for your type?” Drake adds, “I wonder why I never learn my lesson.” We’ve had the first snow in Kansas City. It makes having someone to snuggle with at night that much more important. But if you find yourself in the situation Jamie Foxx describes in his song, you might find yourself single.

Why is it so hard to learn from our mistakes when it comes to love and dating? It’s the mistakes that our friends see coming yet we stand there blindly and let heartbreak hit us head on. At some point, most daters have noticed a pattern of behavior that doesn’t appear to get them what they want. That pattern often is found in the type of people they date.

Some women are attracted to womanizers, men that don’t want to settle down. Then there are men that date women that are mean and selfish. Why do we do this to ourselves? The best way to break a habit is to create a new habit. Stop thinking that even though your new person might be different, when he or she starts doing all the same things your ex use to do, it is time to move on.

Learn to let a bad situation go even faster than you did the last one. There is no way to avoid this situation as we will like who we like but there is a way to keep from prolonging it and wasting your time more than you absolutely have to. Let it go. Start something new with someone new tonight.

Keep warm Kansas City.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here. Or, to purchase Dana’s book “Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic,” visit carrdanepublishing.com.

Dana Carroll, Sex & Relationships

DANA’S LOVE CHRONICLES: WHY DO PEOPLE LIE? By Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY, Kan – In preparation to write today’s article I googled, “Why do people lie?” It’s a question that is of particular interest to so many and I wanted to try and formulate an answer. Most of the time lies only hurt when they come from someone you care for and that you thought cared deeply for you. Lies hurt even when you already suspect that the person is being less than 100 percent genuine. Suspecting and having your suspicions confirmed are two completely different things.

There is nothing like the sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you have been confronted with the truth. Some start to question the validity of everyone around them when they discover they’ve been deceived by someone they care about. And some stick with the person that has lied hoping that they will never hurt them in that way again. I never try to tell people what they should do with their relationships. However, I strongly suggest that if you are with someone that has lied or does lie to you, you may want to start considering leaving that person in your past.

There are three major reasons to stop dealing with a person if they lie to you.

1. Trust is the foundation of any solid relationship. If you are thinking you will marry this person and live happily ever after, you might be setting yourself up for failure because this person has not earned your trust.

2. The seriousness of the lie doesn’t really matter. You are reading this article and thinking well he/she only lied about something small. Think about it this way, if they are lying about little stuff, for what reason do you have to believe they’d tell you the truth about something big?

3. Your happiness is important. If you are in a relationship with someone that you have to constantly wonder is what they are saying to you the whole truth, a half truth or a flat out lie, then you are going to be spending a lot of your time worrying about this one thing.

So the question still remains, why do people lie? Lying is something we learn as early as 3 years old. We learn to lie to protect ourselves. But according to psychology.suite101.com, learning to lie to protect someone else’s feelings is something we have to be taught. In the best case scenarios our lovers, spouses, significant others lie to us to protect our feelings. But at the end of the day what it boils down to is selfishness. People want what they want and they don’t want to have to give up something just to get something else they want.

A man would lie to his girlfriend about dating other people perhaps to keep her feelings in tact but mostly to have his cake and eat it too. The nice thing and bad thing about Kansas City is that it functions as a little big city. Meaning KC is small in the sense that everyone knows everyone else. It is going to be hard if you and your significant other run in the same circles to get away with lying. Eventually it is going to get back to him or her. Just one more reason I love my city!

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here.

Dana Carroll, Sex & Relationships

DO YOU HAVE TO SAY “YES” TO A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL? by Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY – If someone gets down on one knee, hands you a diamond ring and asks you, “Will you marry me?” Do you have to say yes? Surprisingly a lot of people say you do. It is the fear of losing the person you are with that persuades you to agree to get married, arguably one of, if not the most important decision of your life. An engagement should be a happy time right? The trend of being in a relationship with someone for years has led to some unhappily engaged couples.

So the question remains how do you say no to someone you love so much? Some people might wonder why you wouldn’t want to marry someone you’ve been with for so long and there are several reasons. You might not feel your boyfriend is in the right financial position to be a husband. Or you are just not ready to make that final commitment. Any reason you have for not wanting to get married is your reason and no one else has to understand it. It is in that moment when he is kneeling before you with his hand extended holding a shiny diamond ring that you have to make the decision to be honest.

Marriage proposals can be stressful and full of pressure

If you can’t be honest with your boyfriend and tell him no then, you are definitely not ready to be married. Marriage is about honesty and trust and any marriage that begins with a lie will not last happily. Marriage is something that a lot of people seem to take very lightly. Both people in a relationship need to be on the same page. Most people want a proposal to be a surprise, not something that is expected. However there are ways to know if the person you are with wants to be married without coming out and asking.

If you notice your significant other all of a sudden starts talking about a future with you, kids, buying a house, these are all signs that he is moving in the direction of having you walk down the aisle. Make it very clear to the person you are with that you are not ready. Do not be afraid if they threaten to leave. Marriage is too much of a commitment to be bullied or ultimatumed into it. Have the strength to walk away if the only other choice is to walk down the aisle and falsely make a promise to someone you know you do not want to be with.

A good idea for any couple considering marriage is counseling.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here.

To view Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)” video, click the play arrow.

Dana Carroll, Sex & Relationships

WHEN TO KNOW IF A RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH SAVING, by Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY  – Is there a difference in making it work and forcing it to work? How do you know if your relationship is worth saving? You argue all the time. Fussing and fighting is as common as eating breakfast every day. Then you have great makeup sex and you are right back to not getting along . It’s like fire and ice. All of your friends are telling you to leave him but something inside of you can’t bear the thought of living without him. You’d rather fight with him than be happy with someone else.

Is this healthy? Is it normal? How many couples are going through the same thing you are? Pure bliss in a relationship is not likely. The truth is the longer you are with someone, the easier it gets to fight with them. You learn the things you don’t like about them and a lot of the time it’s the same things that were cute in the beginning. It’s about being comfortable; comfortable enough to nitpick about every little thing you don’t like. Comfortable means you don’t try as hard to make that person happy and they probably do not try as hard to keep you happy.

Comfortable in a relationship is like kryptonite. However you could be arguing all the time for another reason. If you have two passionate people trying to be in a relationship together then sparks are likely to fly. This type of arguing to some is not that bad. It’s almost an aphrodisiac. So should you stay together? Making it work is a lot like cultivating a garden. At first it doesn’t appear to be much just some dirt, but with a little water and sunlight the flowers begin to bloom the vegetables start to ripen and you have this beautiful thing you’ve created.

Constant arguing is hard on a relationship

However, you can’t live solely for the future just as you can’t live in the past. You have to learn to live in the right now. You can see your future with this person but what is life like right now with them? Do they make you happy more than they make you sad and angry? When you first started your relationship you probably were not planning to have as many rough patches but that is life. Only you know how much of your life you want to spend being unhappy.

Local KC artist Mike James Jr. calls this situation a Catch 22 in his latest song. When you think about it; it makes a lot of sense that the person you care the most about is also the person that can make you the maddest. Your feelings for them are in overdrive and sometimes that can be both a good and bad thing. Mike’s song speaks to this situation perfectly.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here.

To view Fantasia’s “Free Yourself” video, click the play arrow.

Dana Carroll, Sex & Relationships

THERE ARE SO MANY BENEFITS TO HAVING GOOD SEX, by Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY – There’s nothing like great sex. If you are trying to get in shape for that swimsuit, sex can offer several benefits far beyond feeling good. It’s a great way to workout. Sex can burn a significant amount of calories if done regularly (at least once a week). Oxytocin is a hormone released by having sex and having orgasms. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Maybe you haven’t? But the benefits you receive from this hormone are plentiful. It is also known as the “love hormone.” It has been known to make couples feel a stronger connection to each other.

Some of the reasons you avoid having sex are the very reasons you should be doing it. Sex reduces pain. So, when you have a headache and think the last thing you want to do is have a romp in the sack, that’s exactly what you should do. According to webecoist.com an orgasm is the best pain killer ever created. “It releases natural chemicals like endorphins in the body, both before and during climax. These endorphins have a similar chemical structure to morphine,” the article explains.

There is nothing better than the joy of good sex

Everyone at one point or another has felt their appearance might be lacking something. But sex can make you feel sexy. Sex can promote self esteem according to webmd.com. But there are conditions to this benefit. Gina Ogden, a sex, marriage and family therapist, explained to the aforementioned website that in order to boost self esteem the sex should be “loving and connected.”

Today was the hottest day of the year so far in Kansas City. There is one thing you could be doing to make it hotter. Stop making excuses and start enjoying the beautiful benefits of a healthy sex life.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here.

To view R. Kelly’s “Sex Me” video, please click the play arrow.

Dana Carroll, Sex & Relationships

CHASING SOMEBODY THAT DON’T WANT YOU IS A WASTE OF TIME, by Dana Carroll

KANSAS CITY – This may seem like common sense, but a lot of hopeful daters will ignore this one key sign. This one thing could prevent so much heart break and disappointment if and only if people would pay attention to it. Proceed at your own risk. Seriously, if you want to waste your time pursuing someone that doesn’t want to be pursued, really who do you have to blame? If the person you are seeing and hoping to have a relationship with tells you they are not interested in anything serious, believe them.

This next part is going to sting a little. Because the truth is what they are saying when they say this is, “I’m not looking for anything serious with YOU.” The way you convince yourself to hold on to this person and hold out for them getting ready for something serious, is you tell yourself that when they are ready they are going to come to you. No they are not. They never would have said they weren’t ready for a relationship, if they were considering a relationship with you.

Now of course there are exceptions to this rule. There will always be exceptions, however, you need to stop thinking of yourself as the exception. Let that person go. Truly give them up as a potential romantic partner. The reward for this is twofold. If they come back to you, then you will know that it is truly what they want and not what you’ve forced upon them. Secondly if they don’t come back to you and they move on to someone else which they often do, you will not have wasted anymore time hoping for them to choose you. It’s time to be blatantly honest with ourselves and stop wasting time.

Chasing the wrong person is a waste of time

I think there comes a time in everyone’s life that we question, who we are, what we’ve done, and where we’re going. But it is at this cross roads that we have to start making the best decisions to ensure our own happiness. The awesome thing about Kansas City is that it has a plethora of educational options. Anything you have an interest in just about can be pursued in Kansas City. If you are thinking about becoming a writer, The Writer’s Place should be your first stop. You will meet amazing people that share your thirst for the arts and creating. They have readings and workshops you can attend.

Dana Carroll, the Kansas City Sex and Relationships Examiner, is the “Real Love” columnist for Mass Appeal News. She is also an actress and model. View this article, and others, on the Examiner by clicking here. Dana welcomes your comments at dcarroll@massappealnews.com. For a peek at her movie clips, click here.

To view Kelis’ “Bossy” video, please click the play arrow.