Mass Appeal News » J.J. and the Fellas

Dating Diva: How to land 2nd Date

wayne — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 04:56:40 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The first date is one of the most important events in a new relationship and know that how you communicate is a key factor in making him interested in seeing you again. If a guy is interested in a second date, he will likely try to make plans for it before you end the first one. Or an interested man will contact you within a few days to try and schedule another date to see you. If he calls you several weeks after your date, he’s really not that interested in you.

If you call him once, and he doesn’t return your call, try him again in about a week. If you haven’t heard from him after calling once or twice, just stop calling. He’s moved on. Other reasons that a man doesn’t call or make plans right away include having some drama/crisis going on in his life or emotional hang-ups. This means no follow-through can be a sign of low interest or a red flag. If you went on a first date, then you should already know he’s interested and attracted to you.

Now the question becomes: What helps you increase your chances of securing a second date? It is your COMMUNICATION. It is important to understand that your communication plays an important role during the first date. The goals of communication between a man and a woman are fundamentally different. Women use communication to bond socially or romantically with the person they are conversing with. Men tend to communicate to exchange information or solve a problem. A woman will communicate to bond or simply because she enjoys talking, whereas the man is usually more interested in trading information.

When it comes to communicating, it is important to create some mystery and intrigue about you. A woman is sometimes too eager to tell a man everything about herself. Don’t overcommunicate with a man on a first date by telling him too much information about yourself. Leave some mystery and allure; allow him to get to know more and more about you over time. He should want to know more about you each time he sees you, not run because you’ve told him way too much already.

Another key factor about communicating with a man is to display intelligence. If a man is successful, he expects his woman to be intelligent because our partners in life are a reflection of who we are and what we want out of life. It makes a man look better to family, friends and co-workers if you are intelligent. That way, you’ll be able to easily converse at company events and family gatherings. People will be impressed because his woman is beautiful and intelligent. Remember beauty is what gets his attention, but intelligence is one of the ways to keep him.

Additionally, men like women who communicate clearly and succinctly. Listen to the way that men communicate to one another. Avoid mushy, emotional conversation as much as possible. He is not interested in talking about your feelings on a first date, keep it light and fun. Suggestions for topics to talk about on your first date include:

1. His/your interests or hobbies
2. Sports
3. Interesting books or magazines (People magazine does not count:-)
4. Movies, plays or theater
5. His work/job
6. Your work/job
7. Current news or pop culture topics.

Let a guy get to know you before you begin to share too many details about your views and your past. For most of us, the rough times in our lives have allowed us to grow and become the people we are today. However, until someone gets to know you, they may not understand or may pass judgments on some your past mistakes. So remember to keep your conversation light and upbeat to complete the overall first date experience.

J.J. Smith is a Dating Diva who offers a fresh perspective on dating and relationships that will help you create a wonderful life that attracts the best men for you and get the love you really want! To learn more about her highly anticipated book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, as well as other eBooks and free articles, visit www.jjsmithonline.com

Dating Diva: Is he really into you?

wayne — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 00:51:15 +0000

TOP 12 WAYS TO KNOW IF HE IS REALLY INTO YOU, by J.J. Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While dating a man, there are many different roles that we can play. However, most of us end up playing the role that he chooses for us. It is time that we take control of our dating life and decide if we want to be in his life. Instead of trying to make the relationship something it is never gonna be, you decide if the role he wants you to play is acceptable to you. In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I discuss the 5 roles that a man may want you to play. This will allow you to determine if that role is right for you and meets your needs at that particular time in your life.

Only you should decide if you want to play that role and continue in the relationship with him. If not, quickly move on to the next guy. Trying to make a relationship something it’s not is a waste of time! There is one role that I discuss in the book that most women strive for and that is the role of Wifey/Girlfriend. If a man is really into you, he will want you to play this role in his life. The Wifey/Girlfriend is that role reserved for the one person he feels is irreplaceable in his life. Wifey/Girlfriend is the sexiest, most successful, and most respected of all the women.

He respects her, either her talents, knowledge, faith or something else beyond how she looks. He generally respects and admires many aspects of her persona. These women are often sweet and kind. They soften a man and allow him to be masculine. They are warm, kind and bring peace to his life. They generally are understanding and supportive in his life’s endeavors and she is the first to hear of important news in his life.

She is loved, needed and wanted by her man. She is the woman that a guy will love and will always love, and he never wants to see her with another man. In short, if he is really into you, he will want you to play this most important role in his life. So, how can you tell if he wants you to play the role of Wifey/Girlfriend?

Here are some signs to know if he sees you as Wifey/Girlfriend material:

1. He wants to spend significant time with you and even shows public displays of affection with you.
2. He seeks your opinion and approval on things that matter to him and you become his best friend.
3. He introduces you to his mom, family, friends and co-workers. You fit into his social lifestyle.
4. His sexual interest is generally always there.
5. He leaves you alone at his place or leaves his phone unattended.
6. He falls asleep cuddling you.
7. He enjoys looking at photos of you.
8. He’ll call you several times throughout the day, just to chat or check in.
9. It’s difficult for him to say no to you.
10. He’ll ask you on a date and spend time with you outside of the house.
11. He introduces you as his woman, girl, lady, etc.
12. He attends a wedding or funeral (emotionally charged events) with you.

If your man is doing most of the items above, you can rest assured that he is really into you, and you are playing that ever important role of Wifey/Girlfriend in his life. Knowing the role we play in the dating relationship is empowering because it is about taking control of our dating life and making decisions that are best for us. Remember, trying to make a relationship something that it is not is a waste of time.

Dating Diva: Time for Makeover?

wayne — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:34:50 +0000

ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? IT MAY BE TIME FOR A MAKEOVER. By J.J. Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A beauty transformation is an integral part of your dating action plan. A beauty transformation is about maximizing your physical beauty to the fullest. Your transformation is about making the most of whatever God has given you to work with and improving the aspects of your appearance that are within your control (weight, fitness, overall health, hair, skin, etc.). It is about dressing in a manner that allows you to show off your best assets, whether that be your legs, cleavage, butt, face or hair.

I don’t mean getting oversized boobs or other types of drastic cosmetic surgery, but maximizing your physical attributes/features to always look your best. If you want to enjoy a vibrant dating life, you may need to undergo a beauty transformation as described in Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating. In the book, I share techniques that any woman can use to look and feel her best–and maximize her physical beauty without cosmetic surgery.

Her 10 steps to a beauty transformation are:

1. Seek professional advice from a personal image consultant or your closest girlfriends. Objective feedback from someone in the know is the place to start.

2. Learn to dress for your body type. There’s no single standard of beauty and there are dozens of body types and shapes. Select clothes to accentuate your assets, but realize what works for someone else may not be right for you.

3. Purchase attractive attire. Shop with a clear focus and direction–be deliberate in getting clothes that match your body assets. To achieve a look of sexy, casual and chic one may try fitted jeans, sexy tops and push-up bras.

4. Upgrade your hairstyle. Go to www.hairstyler.com and upload your photo and try on various hairstyles to see how they look on you.

5. Go for a face makeover. Learn how to effectively apply make-up and which colors look best on you. Ensure a fresh and modern look by consulting a department store for a free cosmetic makeover.

6. Leverage hair, skin and nail vitamins. Taking daily multivitamins is a good start, but explore others like niacin and biotin to help the skin and hair.

7. Develop a skin care routine. Getting facials, using a moisturizer and a daily face peel are vital. A good objective site with cosmetic product reviews is: www.makeupalley.com.

8. Reshape your eyebrows. The shape of your eyebrows will help define your entire face. Pick an eyebrow shape that matches our facial features. A good brow shaping can enhance your face shape and contours.

9. Maintain an exercise routine to look and feel better; Complement a solid exercise routine with a healthy diet and SLEEP!

10. In addition to focusing on outward beauty, apply the same rigor to maintaining optimal inner health using various techniques to reduce aging, ensure a strong immune system, and maintain energy, health and vitality.

It is important to remember that men ask women out because they are physically or sexually attracted to them. Therefore, a beauty transformation is one the most effective methods for attracting men. I don’t understand it when women say they want a man to love them for who they are. Well of course, but they will never get to know who you are if they are not initially attracted or drawn to us.

A man is not going to ask you out if he’s not pleased with your physical appearance. If you don’t attract him or get his attention, you’ll never get a chance to share all the wonderful aspects of your personality. The bottom line is that it’s your exterior that gets his attention, and it is who you are on the inside that keeps him coming back for more. So, take time to focus on your physical appearance by completing a beauty transformation!

Dating Diva: Cherish the First Date

wayne — Thu, 27 May 2010 20:00:06 +0000

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE VALUE OF A FIRST DATE, featuring JJ & the Fellas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The First Date is one of the most important events in a new relationship. From location to conversation, JJ and The Fellas (well 2 of The Fellas) provide some advice on First Date Do’s and Don’ts on Fox5 Morning News! If you want funny yet informative information on how to secure the second or third date, view the video clip below!

Dating Diva: How to find a date

wayne — Thu, 27 May 2010 04:22:52 +0000

TOP 10 THINGS BLACK WOMEN SHOULD DO TO FIND A DATE, by JJ Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In Part 1, I stated that we’ve all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70% of black women are single, and 42% are unmarried. Many news organizations have provided the statistics, but I’ve rarely seen these media outlets offer any real solutions. So, our radio show, “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” will be discussing this topic and offering real solutions to this challenge. I will begin by offering a few solutions below:

*Please note that everything is not for everyone, so some of these suggestions may be right for you and others may not. Be open-minded and feel free to share other suggestions that have worked for you. My suggestions are listed below:

1. Do NOT Settle, but DO Compromise: I am not suggesting you settle or lower standards, but if you look at “the list” of what you’re looking for a man, there may be some areas in which you can compromise. As an example, does he have to be a certain height, skin color, or education/income level? Can you be satisfied with him if he earns a bit less than you? However, I would not recommend you compromise on the things that are non-negotiable, such as character, morals, and religious beliefs. A man’s character is not tied to his monetary, education or financial status, so be sure to look at “who he is” and not “what he has” if you seriously want to pursue meaningful love relationships.

2. Invest In His Potential: Now I will begin this suggestion by saying, “proceed with extreme caution!” I have seen women successfully do this and others like myself, have been burned. In fact, when I was in my 20s, I dated a man who made about a third of what I earned and at the end of the relationship, I ended up $80,000 poorer. But if he is a man of good character and morals (which is most important) and you see him making a genuine effort to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially and has solid plans for his life, then INVEST IN HIM. Investing in him means to be his helpmate to help him achieve his goals.

This may mean providing some reasonable amount of financial assistance to help him pursue an education or helping him grow spiritually or emotionally. For some women, they will get a return on their investment with a long-term committed relationship with him, but for others, he may still upgrade you when he becomes more financially successful; but that is the chance you take. Be careful of the men who just want to “marry up” and build their wealth and status by marrying you. These types of men are trying to gain wealth and status by any means necessary and will almost always trade you in for a younger, prettier women once they get to a higher level of financial success.

Interracial dating has become very popular

3. Don’t Just Date Brothers, Date Others (Outside Your Race): For a lot of Black women, one of the most difficult things for them to do is to date outside of their race. There are many reasons Black women tend not to date outside their race; Some Black women want a man that reminds them of their daddy and some feel they are only attracted to Black men. However, with the number of “datable” black men declining, how long are you going to wait for someone who statistically may not be available? If you’re doing all the right things to be sure that you’re ready for a relationship and are still challenged with meeting Black men with compatible lifestyles (social backgrounds, economic status, education levels), then dating outside your race may be a good option for you.

Now, who you date of course is a matter of personal preference and I’m not trying to encourage you to stop dating Black men. I know for me, I love and admire Black men so much that my personal preference for Black men would probably always keep me from dating outside my race. However, if you’re challenged with having enough options in men, dating outside your race will expand your dating pool significantly.

4. Move to Cities Where the Men Outnumber the Women: Even though nationally, women outnumber men, there are some male-dominated cities that have more single men than single women. A few of the best cities to meet single men over 35 include San Jose, California, Salt Lake City, Utah, Arlington, Texas, and Raleigh, North Carolina. In my eBook, 101 Best Places to Meet Men, I list 101 places where the men generally outnumber the women. In the past, women typically met men in grocery stores, gyms, bars/lounges, church, work, gyms/exercise centers, and car shows. These places are still great options for meeting men, but they have also gotten stale and simply don’t generate the quantity of dates required for women to have enough options.

Many single women don’t know the best places for meeting a large quantity of men. So this eBook provides you with 101 places where you can go to increase your chances of meeting more men. A friend of mine is a great fisherman and he spends a considerable amount of time planning the best locations to find fish for that day. It’s the same with dating. If you don’t put yourself in the places to meet more men, you’re never going to find them. You will have to participate in activities and go to places that are dominated by men. These are locations where the men typically outnumber the women. And sistas, if you are living in Atlanta and still complaining about not finding a “good black man” then your dating woes are likely to continue with female to male ratio being something like 20 to 1.

5. Understand What Type of Women Men are Attracted To and Become One: I know for me, even though I was educated and successful in my career I didn’t have the options in men that I have now at 40. I can really say that I didn’t understand what it took to really attract men in my 20s. What I do know is that when I looked like Condoleezza Rice (i.e., extremely corporate), I had fewer quality men interested in me. I did a beauty transformation and that has been one of the most effective things that has helped me to increase the quality and quantity of men that I attract into my life. I can personally attest to the fact that men are very visual creatures and a woman’s physical appearance is what gets their attention. As a single, successful black woman, I went from 0 dates to many dates by making some changes to my “exterior” to meet, date and marry quality black men.

Additionally, if you know women who are happy in married or committed relationships, then pay close attention to them and learn from them. If you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go. There are some women who are obviously better at it than others. I have learned strategies that have worked for other women and they can work for you. As I applied these strategies, my dating and relationship skills improved and I begin to achieve the results that I desired. I’ve consolidated these strategies in my book Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating.

It is important to learn to love yourself

6. Learn to Love the Single Life and Forget About Marriage: If you are unhappy single, you will likely be unhappy married, except you can then blame your spouse instead of yourself for your unhappiness. It’s important to learn to be happy while you’re single. Single women are beginning to realize that they actually have a lot of time to create a meaningful life for themselves, and they are deciding to pursue their dreams. Being single is not a problem, but an opportunity to reinvest in your life and your spiritual growth. Maximize your career, interests, hobbies and relationships while you’re single, and make that time the best days of your life. Many single women jump in and out of relationships because they don’t want to be alone.

There is a major difference between being “lonely” and “aloneness.” Know that you may be alone, but you don’t have to be lonely in life. Alone is defined as separate, apart, unique or unequaled. In contrast, being lonely is defined as lacking friendly companionship. If you have a full life of family, friends and dates, you don’t have to lack companionship in your life and, therefore, you don’t have to be lonely. Being single and alone can be a wonderful experience. It’s the perfect time for adventure, fun, romance, self-discovery and renewal. Enjoy your single life and work on your personal happiness and enjoying the wonderful friends and family in your life.

7. Look at the “Woman in the Mirror”: If you look at the way the media portrays this issue, it seems like the obvious question is “what’s wrong with the Black men and why aren’t they available for Black women?” but we can’t entirely blame Black men and we shouldn’t let Black women off the hook either. Earlier I said that a “datable” Black man is one that is not behind bars, gay, or with other races. But women should also ask themselves are they “datable” or better yet, do they know what makes a woman “datable” to a man? It’s easy to pass blame onto Black men, but for me, I believe in taking personal accountability for my challenges in life. In my 20s I had horrible dating experiences and attracted men that were all wrong for me.

So, I decided to get off my butt and make some changes to my “exterior” and “interior” to attract the type of men that I desired. I realized that it’s our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, non-bitchy attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more. As a single, successful black woman, I went from 0 dates to many dates by making some changes to my “exterior” AND “interior” to meet, date and marry quality black men. In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I describe the 8 steps of my beauty transformation (with before and after pics) that allowed to maximize my physical features without cosmetic surgery.

8. Develop Friendships with Heterosexual Men: Single women spend way too much time with other single women. One thing I have learned over the last 10 years is how to “date and relate” to men, which is why I say women need to hang out and develop friendships with heterosexual men in order to better understand them. So why not start hanging out with guys? If you spend time around men and observe their behavior, you’ll have a much better idea of what they think about women. This will help you better understand what’s going on when you are interacting with a man and getting to know him. As an example, if you want to know what men find sexy in women, check out the sexy magazines that guys read, such as Playboy, Maxim and King. Also, try to get immersed in guy things, such as sports and cars. This will help you engage with a man when you’re getting to know him. It is important to be “friends with your man” so begin now by learning to better relate to your male friends.

Now, if you want to have a girls’ night out, by all means do so, and enjoy the company of your sistas. But you should limit the number of women you hang out with in one setting when you want to meet new men. The number one reason for this is that men will be less inclined to approach you if you’re with a larger group. Men have a fear of being rejected, and it’s even worse to be rejected in front of several women. Try to hang out with one woman at best when you’re “man hunting,” and even if you do hang out with one woman, don’t stay glued to her all night. Just plan on connecting at a pre-arranged time but mingle alone. You will be much more approachable to men if you are by yourself. If you are out to meet men with a bunch of women, free yourself from the pack, be confident and go mingle alone. Give this strategy a try, and I think you’ll see that it increases the number of men you meet while you’re out.

9. Consider Open Relationships: Open relationships are committed, but nonexclusive relationships that involve some degree of intimacy with multiple partners. These relationship arrangements, also referred to as “responsible non-monogamy,” can be applied to both married and unmarried couples. An open relationship provides an alternative to being a traditional couple; under this arrangement, both partners can agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity.

Also, I want to point out that there are many different types of open relationships. In some open relationships, either the primary pairing or the outside relationships are not about sex; they may just include companionship, intimacy and compassion. That is why you’ll often hear these relationships referred to as “intimate friendships.” The key factor is that open relationships provide the opportunity to have intimate friendships with multiple people in an ethical and responsible way.

Open relationships provide an opportunity to get to know, love and experience different people in your life. To determine if open relationships are right for you, you will need to do lot of soul-searching and self-analysis to come to your own conclusion. You’ll need to consider what you believe about monogamy and open relationships (check out my eBook, Open Relationships: Are They Right For You?) And let’s face it, many women are already in open relationships, but they just pretend they don’t know about the “other woman.” It’s important to be honest about what you really need from a relationship, such as, do you need commitment or monogamy or both, either way, it’s always great to make our relationships more honest, loving and ethical.

10. Spend Equal or More Time Pursuing “Love Success” as We Do Pursuing “Career Success” While We Still Have Our Youth and Looks. I keep hearing Black women talk about their success as it relates to career and money, but as it relates to dating and marriage, those are not a woman’s strongest assets (her age, looks and fertility are). Every successful, wealthy alpha male I know doesn’t care about a woman’s career/financial success because he has that already. He wants a young, attractive woman, and intelligence is also a plus, but higher education/great career are not that important to him as women think it is. Figure out what else do men like, such as great homemaker skills, GREAT sex, being supportive, listening, believing in him. Can he see you as the mother of his children? My point is that Black men are still getting married today, so find out what type of women they are marrying and become one. If marriage/having a family is important to you, you may want spend less time pursuing your career goals, and spend more time pursuing/developing meaningful love relationships while you’re young, perky and fertile:-)

So, those are my suggestions and feel free to share yours! Also, check out “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” on www.jjsmithonline.com, as we will dedicate our radio shows to discuss this topic so that Black men and women can have real dialogue and discuss real solutions.

Dating Diva: Sex on the 1st date?

wayne — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 04:06:10 +0000

SHOULD SEX BE CONSIDERED ON THE VERY FIRST DATE? by J.J. Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A man still holds a woman to a higher sexual standard than he holds for himself. Most men don’t want to think of their wife as promiscuous or easy. In fact, if he could delete all of her prior sexual experiences, he would. After you sleep with a man, the balance of power starts to shift in his favor. By sleeping with him on the first date, you could end the need for him to court or pursue you, and his primary interest in you could just be for sex.

Women generally don’t like to have sex on the first date, because we really don’t like being a victim of a “hit-and-run.” However, in this day and age, if you decide to have sex on the first date, it should be your own decision based upon want you want. You should already know that there is a good chance that he may not call you anymore, but that’s the chance you take. Men rarely turn down sex, and they don’t need to be in love or in a relationship with you to have sex. There are many women who feel that way about sex nowadays, too.

Having sex on the first date can sometimes depend on the circumstances. Let’s say you have a date with a guy, and it ends up lasting all day because you really hit it off quickly. Then “things” just happen. In that case, there’s a good chance he may want to continue seeing you. However, if you met him a club, and then had sex at about 4 a.m. at your place, there’s a very good chance you will not hear from him again. If you’re looking to just have fun with him, enjoy yourself. If you see him having some serious love potential, then it may make sense to wait. It is generally best to wait to have sex if you want him to consider you a serious long-term partner.

I have learned that men will be pretty honest about your sexual encounter if you ask them, outside the bedroom, of course. If you have sex with a guy, don’t make assumptions.

* Having sex with him doesn’t mean he will continue to call you or ever call you again.
* Having sex with him doesn’t mean he won’t be having sex with other women.
* Having sex with him doesn’t mean that you’re entering a committed relationship with him.
* Having sex with him doesn’t mean that getting to know you better will be a primary focus in his life.

If you find yourself in situations where you often have sex too soon, then we’ll assume holding out is not your strong suit. An easy suggestion for overcoming this is to not be physically ready to have sex when you go out on a date. This could include not shaving your legs or underarms, wearing big granny panties, or wearing clothes that are difficult to get out of. If you really don’t want to have sex with him, but you don’t trust yourself, then some of these tactics may work for you.

Based on every man that I know, I can tell you that having sex is very important to them. It might even be at the top of the list of their favorite things to do. You have to remember that men can have sex with a total stranger and find it physically enjoyable. Meanwhile, even though some women have gotten comfortable with having sex on the first date, they still are more likely to want and desire love from that person more than men. Women do want the physical enjoyment of sex, but they also desire the love and intimacy that comes through lovemaking.

Sometimes we want love so bad, we confuse lovemaking with sex, but they are two different things. Lovemaking starts while you’re on your feet, when you love and care for a person. However, sex is the easy part, as it is a physical act for pleasure and enjoyment. Most people would agree that sex is even more fulfilling when it is accompanied by lovemaking, when deep feelings exist between the two people. So, you determine for yourself if sex on the first date makes sense for you!

What Black Women Think?

wayne — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:09:37 +0000

The Beauty in you, by Myisha Watson – Quick question. How would you define self-esteem? When you think of this term, what comes to mind? Are you a woman that can take out a piece of paper and write at least 20 positive qualities about yourself? Are you still trying to define self-esteem? Well, Wikipedia defines self-esteem as “a reflection of one’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth.” Well, I define self-esteem as “the ability to realize that you have the inner strength to succeed even if you are experiencing severe trials and tribulations.” I feel that it is very important for women to understand that tough times are unavoidable. However, this doesn’t mean we will never experience true happiness.

Self-esteem plays a major role in our success. And it’s important for a woman to understand how confidence can impact her life. As a woman, sometimes I ask myself: “Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves?” I’m sure many woman around the world ask themselves the same question. However, we must realize it’s up to us to find the beauty we possess inside. Some women, quite frankly, don’t understand beauty starts within the interior.

Speaking from experience, I totally understand why women seek validation from others. However, and I can’t stress this enough: it’s not up to our lovers, our co-workers, our family members, or our friends to validate our spiritual well-being. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with waking up in the morning and reminding yourself of how beautiful you are. As a matter of fact, we should all make constant stops by the mirror to recognize God’s gift. Seriously, start telling your self “Girl you got it going on.” Why? Because true happiness doesn’t come from others. Instead, it materializes within us first. So, when do you plan to recognize the beauty within you? If you get lost, remember, the mirror is your true best friend.

Myisha Watson, an MSW from the University of Missouri-Kansas City, is a local writer and contributor to “Mass Appeal News.”

To view Jill Scott’s “Golden” video, click the play arrow.

Dating Diva: Top 10 Dating Mistakes

wayne — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 06:17:43 +0000

Mistake 1: Haven’t Figured Out How to “Love Me Some Me”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In order to attract love into your life, it’s important to improve the relationship you have with yourself. If you love yourself and have confidence in who you are, then you will begin to send a signal to others that you have value and deserve respect. An improved sense of self will lead you to a more fulfilling love life loving yourself first sends a clear message that you are to be recognized, celebrated, appreciated and loved. If you don’t truly know yourself and what you want out of relationship, how can you attract the right man into your life? Before you can truly know what you want out of a relationship, you have to have a sense of what your needs and wants are and what truly makes you happy. Commit to developing a relationship with yourself. Learn to say no to others so you can spend more time learning and meeting your needs. Commit time to doing things that you enjoy that are just for you. Make yourself a priority in your life!

Mistake 2: Spend Their Best Years Pursuing an Education and Career Goals Not Realizing that Their Strongest Assets (e.g., Looks, Fertility) Decrease With Age

A woman who wants to have a family should capitalize on her looks, age, and fertility while she is young instead of only focusing on chasing the high-powered career. I believe (and of course I could be wrong) that a man would more likely be with a young, attractive woman that is less educated and makes him feel good (in terms of stroking his ego) then an average looking woman with a great career and education.) If marriage and having children is important to you, you may want to NOT focus as much time on pursuing your career goals, but spend more time pursuing and developing meaningful love relationships while you’re young, perky and fertile. If you want a husband and family, you have to pursue it with the same focus and attention you did to achieve your career goals, and by all means, don’t let you looks, fashion sense, and overall attractiveness go downhill. Note: In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I share insider secrets, practical advice and techniques that any woman can use to maximize her physical beauty without cosmetic surgery, because as shallow as it may sound, how physically attractive you are is very important to men, and should also be to you if you are seriously looking to attract and keep a man.

Mistake 3: Waste Too Much Time with Unavailable Men

When dating, there are certain relationships that are harmful and downright dangerous. These are relationships with unavailable men―the men who are not available or ready to have a meaningful relationship with a woman. This type of relationship has very little chance of long-term success. Many older wiser women have already been down this road, and they know better than to get involved with an unavailable man, but many younger women spend too many months and years with men that are unavailable. In my book, Why I Love Men, The Joys of Dating, I discuss the five types of unavailable men and clues to identify the unavailable man.

Mistake 4: Only DATE One Man at a Time

If you are not in a committed exclusive relationship, you should continue to have several guys as available date options. Having several men to date will build your confidence and self-esteem. It will allow you to hone your dating skills, such as improving your communication style on dates. We can date many men and enjoy their company until we find someone worth having a meaningful relationship with. If you meet a guy you like, don’t get rid of the others and focus all of your energy and efforts on the one man you like. It’s ok to have a prioritized order of the guys that you’re dating, and as you meet new guys that you like more, you just remove the least favorite date from the rotation. If the guy at the top of the list doesn’t call you, one of the others likely will. I would encourage you to learn to simply enjoy the company of men. Remember, I’m encouraging you to DATE, and not to have sex with many men. I’m not trying to encourage promiscuity. That is an individual choice that I personally do not advocate.

Mistake 5: Don’t Know Their Relationship Market Value (RMV)

Before you begin the dating process, it’s important to understand your Relationship Market Value (RMV). Your RMV helps you determine three things: (1) the characteristics that you bring to a relationship that can be of value or benefit to a mate; (2) what type of guys you can attract so that you can focus your efforts on finding that type of man; and (3) if you are ready for a relationship. When determining your Relationship Market Value, you take a close look at your mental/emotional health, financial health, family relationships and other areas of your life, and discover if you are really ready for a relationship. You determine your RMV by looking at the positive traits that you bring to a relationship, while evaluating the negative ones as well (those that may take something away or create challenges in a relationship). Determining your RMV is about being realistic regarding what you will be bringing into a relationship. The RMV Assessment Questionnaire can be completed in my new book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating.

Mistake 6: Underestimate the Importance of Sexy Attire

I know that you must be thinking, ‘If I dress sexy, the only type of man who I will attract is one that wants to have sex with me.’ Well, that is true, but here is a news flash: Men ask women out because they are physically or sexually attracted to them. Of course, he’s asking you out because he wants to have sex with you. But that is the method for how to attract men. I don’t understand it when women say they want a man to love them for who they are. Well of course, but they will never get to know who you are if they are not initially attracted or drawn to us. A man is not going to ask you out if he’s not attracted to your physical appearance. If you don’t attract him or get his attention, you’ll never get a chance to share all the wonderful aspects of your personality. The bottom line is that it’s your exterior that gets his attention, and it is who you are on the inside that keeps him coming back for more.

Mistake 7: Haven’t Learned to Stroke a Man’s Ego

We must to learn to stroke his ego and befriend his ego. The male ego is very fragile and needs to be handled with care. So, be sure to praise and compliment his efforts. If you stroke his ego, it will put him in a position of power, and he will want and feel the need to protect and take care of you. Men like to please their women. If he feel that he cannot please you or meet your needs, his ego won’t allow him to stay. If a woman is never satisfied or unrealistically demanding he may come to realize that he can never please her and simply get tired of trying. If a man does fall in love with you, it is important for him to satisfy you. So, let him know if he makes you happy or satisfies you. If you look up to him and he is your hero, let him know. Be sincere in your praise and compliments. Do not be insincere, but if you’re still with him, there should be something you can find to compliment him on. I know you can find at least one thing that is special about him, even if it’s how funny, witty, smart, stylish, wealthy he is. A man can even perform better on his job if he has a woman at home who supports and believes in him; it will spill over into his confidence at work as well. When he is affirmed by you, he feels he can conquer the world.

Mistake 8: Focus Too Much on Romantic Love

Many women dream of meeting “the one,” getting married, and living happily ever after. As women, we all dream of romance and falling in love with that special person. This type of love is known as Eros love, which is that emotional or romantic love that constitutes the feeling of being “in love. However, there are other types of love that we need in our life, namely Philos love (friendship love) and Agape love (unconditional love). Philos love is about companionship and connecting with people to share life’s journey. Philos love is based on friendship, and friendship is the foundation of successful relationships. Agape love is unconditional love and it is from God. Agape love is above Philos love and Eros love. It is a love that is totally selfless, when a person gives love to another person even if this act does not benefit her/him in any way. Too many women only focus on romantic (Eros) love, and they look for a man to “complete” them. However, to feel completely satisfied and fulfilled, we need all three loves to be present in our lives.”

Mistake 9: Don’t Know How to Be Happy Single and Thus Aren’t Likely to Be Happy Married

Women must first learn to be happy without a man. If you are unhappy single, you will likely be unhappy married, except you can then blame your spouse instead of yourself for your unhappiness. I know that if my life isn’t already fulfilled when I meet a man, than neither he nor marriage can make me happy or fulfilled. Nothing outside of YOU can produce long-lasting satisfaction and happiness—no mate, money, job, house or car can produce true fulfillment in life. Being single is the best time to discover what you want out of life and to focus on creating the life you’ve always dreamed of! Maximize your career, interests, hobbies and relationships while you’re single, and make that time the best days of your life. And, when you are living the life you want as a single woman, you will attract the man who is right for you.

Mistake 10: Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today (Old Methods Don’t Work)

Today’s dating environment is extremely competitive. The odds are much better for men because they are outnumbered by women in every state, except for Alaska and Nevada. Many of the traditional rules of courtship don’t exist, for better or for worse, women have to do things differently to attract and maintain a long-term relationship with a man. And, if you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go.

There are some women who are obviously better at it than others. In Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I’ve consolidated the best strategies that I have learned from friends, relatives and my own experiences and frankly some of the best practical advice that I have ever received and successfully applied to attract the type of men I wanted in my life and they did show up. These strategies have worked for others and they can work for you. You can’t continue doing the same thing and expect different results. It is time to change your approach to dating!

Dating Diva: Watch what you say

wayne — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 14:13:14 +0000

TOP 8 THINGS TO NEVER SAY ON A FIRST DATE, by J.J. Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The first date is one of the most important events in a new relationship. First dates are important because they can either make a man eager to see you again or make him run for the highway. Know that your communication is key to making him interested in seeing you again. Considering the location of the first date is one of the most critical decisions that need to be made.

The first date location will affect the way you interact with each other so be sure to find an environment where you’ll both feel relaxed and comfortable. The other critical factor in a successful first date is your conversation, which should be light and upbeat to complete the overall first date experience. When communicating on a first date, it is important to let a guy get to know you before you begin to share too many details about your views and your past.

For most of us, the rough times in our lives have allowed us to grow and become the people we are today. However, until someone gets to know you, they may not understand or may pass judgments on some your past mistakes. Here are some tips for what NOT to talk about on your first date:

1. Getting Married: It scares men to get married to someone they love. This is definitely not a conversation he wants to have with a woman he barely knows.

2. Your Kids: You love your kids and they interest you. However, to a man, this just indicates increased responsibility or baby daddy drama.

3. Your Horrible Childhood: Don’t seek pity for injustices in your past; it will make you appear hurt, wounded and in need of healing.

4. Ex-Boyfriends: This is a no-win situation. If you say something positive about an ex-boyfriend, a man will feel threatened or discouraged. If you say how he cheated on you constantly, he will think you are weak and a pushover. The truth is that there’s no good outcome likely to result from talking about an ex on the first date.

5. Politics: People are generally passionate about their political beliefs, and these conversations can wait until later.

6. Death or Depressing Events: Do I even need to explain why you shouldn’t talk about death or depressing news? Emotionally charged topics such as death are too heavy to discuss on a first date. The goal is to keep the conversation upbeat and light and death and depressing events just brings everyone down.

7. Sex: If you start a conversation about sex, the guy will take it over and won’t be able to focus on any other topic for the rest of the night. There needs to be some things that are mysterious about you. Talking details about sex takes some of the intrigue and mystique away from the actual sexual encounter.

8. Therapy or Rehab: He doesn’t need to know how well your therapy or rehab sessions are going. He also doesn’t need to know that you had a nervous breakdown (if you did), at least not on the first date.

To increase your chances of securing a second date, it may be a good idea to remove these topics from your conversation.

To hear JJ & the Fellas talk about dating, click the arrow.

70% of Black Women are Single?

wayne — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 09:23:14 +0000

THE REAL REASONS 70% OF BLACK WOMEN ARE SINGLE, by J.J. Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. – We’ve all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70% of black women are single, and 42% are unmarried. We’ve even recently heard a young black women (Helena Andrews) say that she is successful, black and lonely and that “Bitch is the New Black”. Helena’s story is probably the most heartfelt as I can relate to her, when I was in my 20s that is… but now at 40, I can say that there are many things that I have learned about Black men and 2 that stand out the most are that:

1) “Being a bitch” was never going to get me the love I desired from black men. (Note: Being a bitch as in being mean, argumentative, hard to get along with, bitter, etc.)

2) Our “credentials” don’t attract men! Just because WE feel that we are successful, independent, professional and educated doesn’t mean that’s we’re attractive to men, or even datable for that matter. I have learned that it is our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, non-bitchy attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more.

Even though many news organizations have provided the statistics I mentioned above, I’ve rarely seen these media outlets offer any real solutions. In fact, I’ve yet to hear anyone really explain the REAL reasons so many black women are single, as its much more complicated than the “numbers.” I personally don’t believe in allowing the media to exploit this issue and give an appearance that Black people have issues and challenges that we cannot solve on our own. As a single, successful black women, I refuse to allow the media to make me feel bad or desperate about the plight of the “single black female,” especially given the personal and professional success sistas have made in a male-dominated world.

So, Black men and women, WE can facilitate our own discussion on this challenge and identify real solutions that work for us. I’ll begin by offering a 2-part article to address this challenge. In Part 1, I will discuss the real reasons why so many Black women are single… because you know the media isn’t telling the whole story and in Part 2: I will offer 10 practical solutions for women who are looking to find a “good man.” Please feel free to share other suggestions!

The Real Reasons So Many Black Women are Single:

*Note: Some of the reasons could apply to women that are not black, but the focus of this article is on Black women because that’s all we keep hearing about in the media these days.There are many factors that have lead to why so many Black women are single, but I believe the most significant factors are listed below:

1. The Black Man Shortage (as I read on Essence.com):42% of Black women are unmarried. 70% of professional Black women are single. The numbers don’t lie and there is a real gap between “datable” Black women and men. Even if there is some degree of inaccuracy in the numbers, if you just talk to Black women, many will agree that there are some challenges finding a “good black man, ” that is… one that is not behind bars, gay, or with other races. I’m also fully aware of this challenge due to the number of Black women who write me about it every week. So, the statistics do play a role in this challenge, but it does not tell the whole story. Please read on!

2. Too Many Black Women Have Bought Into the Stereotypes On Who They Are: The perception that Black women are hard to get along with, mean, bitchy, argumentative, bitter, etc. has become a reality for too many black women. I know, because I used to be that way (and still have relapses on occasion but irrational behavior and constantly “going off” on people, especially your man, is not an attractive quality to have when trying to maintain a relationship with a man. I had to LEARN that just because I was running things at work, didn’t mean I was going to run things with my man. So, I had to “check my attitude” at the door when dealing with my black man. Maybe a man really needs to be the head of the household, and if you don’t trust that he can be, then leave him alone and move on. A wise man once told me that anything with two heads is a monster, so only 1 can be head of the household, and for me, I prefer it to be my man. Sistas, we know we have carried too much of the financial and emotional burden of raising our families alone, but we should use that to draw strength from and not allow that to make us emotionally weaker. I remember being in my 20s at a management consulting firm I worked for and this brother told me that I would definitely make Partner but no one would ever like me because I was so damn mean, and I actually was naïve enough to take that as a compliment; not realizing that my “meanness and bitchiness” had spilled over into my personal life and keeping me from attracting and keeping good men in my life.

3. Many Black Women Have Made a Conscious Decision To Be Single: I know you’re saying yea right. But this is actually true. I know personally for me, I have been married before, but I prefer to be single, especially since I don’t want to have children. Personally, I am not looking to get married again, but I’m not opposed to the idea either. If I meet someone who makes me feel that being married to them is better than my freedom and the luxuries of my single life, then I would consider getting married again. The most important thing to me is to have quality, meaningful relationships with men with similar dreams, goals and interests in life. People fall in love and marry because it’s the tradition. Men and women have been getting married since before recorded history. Until recently, America was the most “married” nation in the world. But now many ask, “Do I have to be married to live happily ever after?” In today’s society, people have a strong desire to simply be happy, whether that means being married or unmarried. Being single is not synonymous with being “alone”. Many single people do have a meaningful love relationship in their life. Society makes people think that end goal of two people who love each other is a “traditional monogamous marriage” but I don’t believe everyone fits that model. Whoever said dating has to end in marriage? If marriages were so great, why do more than half of them end in divorce? So, there are really some women who are happy being single… Seriously!

4. Black Men Don’t See Many of the Qualities That They So Much Admire in Their Mothers and Grandmothers: To say it’s just a shortage of black men is only a small part of the problem, but as Black women we have to re-evaluate who we are and who we’ve become today. Black men don’t see the strong, quiet strength of their mothers and grandmothers; neither the homemaking/cooking skills either. In my book Why I Love Men, I have a section called “Never Underestimate the Relationship Between a Man and His Mother” that discusses this further. A wise woman understands the precious bond between a man and his mother. You’re not going to change it nor would you want to. A mother is very proud of her son, especially if he’s a good man. His mother values him. His mom and grandmother has loved him unconditionally all his life, and well, you, not so long. If you want a smooth relationship with a Black man, be sure you understand WHY he loves his mom so much and it will help you build a stronger relationship with him. And, if you don’t know why he admires and loves his mom so much, ask him. In fact, a huge red flag for me is when a guy doesn’t have any relationship with his mother, and she is still living. Or if he speaks to his mother in a disrespectful or harsh manner, he will likely treat you the same way.

5. Black Women Have Spent Their Best Years Pursuing Their Education and Career Goals not Realizing that Their Strongest Assets (e.g., Looks, Fertility) Decrease With Age: I know this may be unpopular, but it is the truth. A woman who wants to have a family should capitalize on her looks, age, and fertility while she is young instead of only focusing on chasing the high-powered career. I believe (and of course I could be wrong) that a man would more likely be with a young, fine woman that is less educated and makes him feel good (in terms of stroking his ego) then an average looking woman with a great career and education.) If marriage and having children is important to you, you may want to NOT focus as much time on pursuing your career goals, but spend more time pursuing and developing meaningful love relationships while you’re young, perky and fertile. If you want a husband and family, you have to pursue it with the same focus and attention you did to achieve your career goals, and by all means, don’t let you looks, fashion sense, and overall attractiveness go downhill. Note: In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I share insider secrets, practical advice and techniques that any woman can use to maximize her physical beauty without cosmetic surgery, because as shallow as it may sound, how physically attractive you are is very important to men, and should also be to you if you are seriously looking to attract and keep a man.

6. Black Men Struggle More Than Any Other Group of People in Society and in the Workplace: You have to ask why are there so many black men in prison and under-educated? Why is the unemployment rate so high for black males? Why is the suicide rate so high for black males? Why are so many black men absent in their child’s life? Why are black males struggling more than other group of people? We have to better understand the struggles of Black men to really increase the number of “datable” black men…and I’m no expert on the answers to these questions and I know when I’m out of my lane, but there are others who have studied Black males and written on this topic and could surely provide some answers to these questions.

7. Black Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today: Many of the traditional rules of courtship don’t exist, for better or for worse, Black women have to do things differently to attract and maintain a long-term relationship with a man. And, if you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go. There are some women who are obviously better at it than others. In Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I’ve consolidated the best strategies that I have learned from friends, relatives and my own experiences and frankly some of the best practical advice that I have ever received and successfully applied to attract the type of men I wanted in my life and they did show up. These strategies have worked for others and they can work for you. You can’t continue doing the same thing and expect different results. It is time to change your approach to dating!

So, those are my thoughts, I’d love to hear why you think so many Black women are single and please be sure to read Part 2: 10 Things Single Black Women Should Do to Find a “Good Man.”Also, check out “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” see www.jjsmithonline.com, as we will dedicate our radio shows the entire month of January (1/13 and 1/27) we to discuss this topic so that Black men and women can have real dialogue and discuss real solutions. You can check out the show nationally, so please join in the discussion!